There's Many Good Titles I Could Give My Batman Begins Review If I Hated It

I'll be honest with you: I've never seen a Batman movie before, so perhaps my view of Batman Begins is a bit skewed. Sure, maybe I watched the original Tim Burton one when I was three years old, but that hardly counts for anything. But who cares? I'm Tom "F-ing" Speaker (yes, that is my new nickname), and I can do whatever I want!

Then again, I did watch the cartoon as a kid, and I was also a big fan of the 60s TV show... alright, I qualify. I'm cool. I'm in the club. But anyway, maybe seeing this movie, since it is "the beginning," is the best way to start off. Christian Bale, who "shockingly" lost some billion pounds for The Machinist, plays Bruce Wayne, a tormented individual who witnessed his parents' death as a child and spent the next twenty or so years of his life being harassed about he had to carry their legacy and save the city. As any character of his stereotype would, Bruce runs away, only to be found by Ducard (Liam Neeson), who sees Bruce's skills as a fighter and takes him in for training. But eventually Bruce gets sick of Ducard and says, "Eff that ess; I'm becoming Batman." Cue a bunch of action sequences and witty one-liners.

I found immense enjoyment in "Batman Begins" from start to finish. I can't think of a single moment during my viewing experience where I thought to myself, "Huh. I'm not really liking where this is going..." but the formula it contains is something I've seen time and time again in recent "good" movies. There's well-directed action. There's a well-written script. We care for the characters and want to see them kick ass. But I've seen this same thing happen time and time again. Behind every camera there is a director saying, "I stole this shot from another movie," and behind every line, there is a writer thinking, "I stole this line from my best friend, who got it from a movie which was likely taken from a book written by an author inspired by his everyday experiences." You get the point. I think I've just been around the artistic block a little too much, lately. I make sure that I only see the good movies, not the crappy ones that the intellectually-declined friends of mine prefer. But really, I saw a lot of things coming in this movie... "Finders Keepers." Yes, I saw it coming. Ducard's role in the end... yes, I saw it coming. Maybe I'm just a genius. God only knows.

This film honestly didn't deserve the ranting I've just given it. Onto more realistic things. Christopher Nolan. Talented guy. Not very attractive (or maybe it's just his haircut). Writer/director of Memento, director of the nearly shot-for-shot remake Insomnia (watch the original; you'll see what I mean). Every one knows he's good at what he does. He doesn't add a certain "niche" to his work like Darren Aronofsky might do; he's just good at everything, much like Mark S. Waters or, more preferably, Stanley Kubrick (though the latter may be too good for comparison). Nolan, who co-wrote and directed this film, is a man who knows what he's doing. His direction shines incredibly well, particularly in a chase scene involving the revered Batmobile somewhere later in the film; we are breathtaken as Batman somehow manages to escape a bunch of cops while recklessly cruising through the outskirts of Gotham. Nolan is just on top of things, kids. No bad shots. No lines that make you cringe. He's a confidant, fo' sho'.

I can't say I dig Christian Bale so much, though. He's just not very likeable on screen. He's good at what he does, and I'll give him credit for that. But really, there's just something creepy about him... I don't want to see his movies. I don't want to see him smile. I don't want to see him laugh, etc. Shame on him for being so cinematically repulsive. Or shame on his mother and father, who knows. Either way, I don't like 'em. But that's all good, because Michael Caine, who plays Alfred, is a true badass in every sense of the word. That's why he's Sir Michael Caine. He's so badass that even the Queen of England had to knight him. Everyone loves Michael Caine. Hell, everyone loves Katie Holmes, too. I mean, C'MON, here, she's Katie Holmes. I rented "The Gift" just to see her naked (no joke). And hell, Cillian Murphy, who makes another appearance, might just be the most likeable Hollywood newcomer around. He's a bad dude here, but you want to love him. There's just something cool about the guy, especially with a name like Cillian Murphy. Unfortunately for us all, Liam Neeson carries the Christian-Bale syndrome here. I didn't like seeing him on screen. Great actor. Bad screen presence. You get the point. And you most likely disagree.

Insomnia induces a strange form of intoxication. This is a rambling review. You might have gotten the idea that I'm drunk, but I don't drink. You may have also, with a bit of skimming, gotten the idea that I didn't enjoy this film, but I very much did. There's a problem here, though. I didn't LOVE it enough to really want to give it a five-star. But there's nothing wrong with it, and everyone does well. So it gets the five-star anyway. It just doesn't get the "A." Only an "A-."

Rating: A-