These Phonies Just Kill Me!!!

Warning:The following review contains SOME coarse language to give the reader a better understanding of how this book actually reads. I am doing this because I want the potential buyer of this book to have a full understanding of what he is getting himself into. If you are easily offended at coarse language, please don't read this review or this book. You have been warned!

What the hell are you gonna do with your life? That is a question that plagues many a teen at some point in time. For a young man named Holden Caulfield, that question has a gorilla grip around his neck. Holden is a very bitter young man, and this is his story.

The Catcher In The Rye was written by J.D.Salinger in 1951, although a couple of incidents in the story were previously published some years before. It is narrated by main character Holden Caulfield in a style that is better demonstrated than described. So I, dantesguide, am going to let Holdens' secret identical twin narrate to you what the story line is. His name is Cowfield, and he tends to narrate just like Holden does. He has a vocabulary like Holden to boot.

Take it away Cowfield....

Thanks for nothing dantesguide! You have to watch dantesguide, he is such a phony! Doesn't even use his real name for his Epinions I.D., what a damn phony. Anyways, his phoniness asked me to narrate this stupid book that takes like 100 years to read. He doesn't even know like, that this book has been reviewed about 5000 goddamn times on this phony sight. What a moron! Makes me want to toss my cookies and all. But I will tell you a little about this book's story so that damn phony can have his crappy review.

This book starts with this Holden guy telling you he don't want to tell you about his past because that's being phony. Then he goes and tells you anyways through out the whole book. That kills me! Anyways, like this Holden guy is like real cool because he don't hang around those guys that go to football games and make a$ses of themselves being all phony to impress each other. I like this guy already. He kills me! Well anyways, like I was saying, this Holden guy is not a phony. This gets him in trouble at school, and he is like sent to the principals home to talk to him. This principal guy is like real old, and has that Vicks smell to him. That kills me! Why do all old people smell alike? They also like to all drive those big goddamn boats on the freeway. For christsakes that kills me! But back to this damn Holden guy. That old principal guy is kicking him out of school for failing all his classes except for English. Holden is like this real good writer, and so are others in his family. Holden has been kicked out of like 500 schools because he doesn't do crap like being phony! So he goes back to his dorm instead of the crappy football game because he just like wants to be alone you know. He's scared about what will happen when his parents get the news you know? But only he can't be alone, because this Ackley guy comes into his room and starts putting his filthy hands all over his personal stuff. This guy hasn't brushed his teeth in about 100 years, but gets all mad as a mule when other people tell him to. Then this Stradlater guy barges in wanting Holdens coat because he's taking out this girl named Jane Gallagher, and he don't have a coat of his own. Funny thing, Holden all has it for that Jane girl because he used to live next to her. He lets that moron Stradlater use his coat anyways because he's like a nice guy and all that. Oh, and that Holden guy I tell you, he writes really long paragraphs that take like 5 hours to read.

Anyways, that Ackley kid is always popping his pimples and cutting his toe nails in Holdens room. What a prince. Holden puts up with it because he is like all depressed that moron Stradlater is out with his favorite girl. He puts on this phony hunters cap, and is all stinking mad when Stradlater comes home late. You see, that lousy Stradlater is a goddamn expert at being phony with the girls so he can give em the time. Stradlater hints to Holden that he gave that Jane the time in the back of his coaches car. So Holden decks him but not good enough, because that big goddamn moron Stradlater is pounding Holdens face so hard that his face is starting to look like a sloppy joe. That just about killed me! Here he is thinking he's gonna give a real a$$ whooping and gets whooped himself. Well, after going and bugging that Ackley kid for about 10 damn hours, he decides to leave that crap school of his and head out to New York City. He packs his damn suitcases and leaves that dump behind.

He heads on over to the train station because he was wads of dough. He's gonna spend two days in New York instead of sitting in that rat hole school. Then he's gonna head home to deal with his psycho mom. She's all damn psycho because Holdens little brother died. Well anyways, like he's on that train and he wants to get drunk and all but the goddamn people always card him. He don't get to get drunk till near the goddamn end of the story. Anyways, this Holden guy, you should see the things he starts to do when he's in that town. There's like all these damn morons and lushes there. He even runs into a 5$ hore that aspires to be a 10$ hore. That just kills me! And he also like...

Sorry. That phony dantesguide wants his goddamn computer back because he's like all crying that I'm gonna give away the whole damn story. Thats just kills me! Like he owns the copyright and he's selling it or something. Well here he is again.......

Thank you Cowfield.
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Reading Cowfield above is very much like reading "Catcher In The Rye". The language is coarse, and the narrator tends to ramble. For some strange reason however, it holds you. This is a book you will not want to put down. The angst Holden has is something most people experience in their teen years. You know this guy. He's you and he's not you. He's a mixed up kid that doesn't see his own foolheartiness, but sees everything wrong in everyone else.

A good example of this is that Holden is what you call a habitual liar. He finds himself telling fibs through out the book, but never sees himself as a phony. Everything he does has phonyness to it, but he never sees it. To him the whole world is phony, and he's the only person that keeps it real. My how teen-agers know it all, don't they?

Although Holden is a bitter young man that has went through a lot, he really does have a good heart. He has a genuine love for his siblings, and is generous to a fault. He happily helps out some nuns by making a donation, and wishes he could give some more. Salinger does a wonderful job in creating this Holden Character.

Although Holden has many good qualities, he also has his bad. This is the tried and true best method for creating great heroes and villains. The best heroes always have a little dark side in them, and the best villains always have a little good in them too. Salinger did an unequaled job in this department. The end result is a fictional character that will remain with you till your dying days.

"Catcher In The Rye" is not for children obviously. I recommend it for MATURE teens and adults. Do not read this to your children as a bedtime story, or you will find yourself scrubbing their mouths with soap in a short period of time. You will also start receiving nasty phone calls from their teachers and schoolmates parents. Trust me on this one.

I highly recommend picking up "Catcher In The Rye" provided that you are not easily offended. If you are, avoid it like the 5$ trick that Holden runs into. For those that do pick this up, thank me later for that wonderful character that will forever be imbedded in your noggin'. Then ponder those times you wondered what you were going to do with your life. You know you have.